Life After A Head Cancer

It is 12 months since my cancer diagnosis. I am well and truly on the road to better health though I will never be “in remission”.  Life is certainly unpredictable. You can read about my initial diagnosis here.  It is something I will live with for the rest of my life. Sadly with the passage of time, I found that the vast majority of people I had considered were my friends just didn’t have the time or space in their lives for me. It took 4 months to get my first visitor! It seemed to me that no one outside my family cared to know whether I lived or died. I had no idea that I was of so little regard. This hurt me so much more than finding out I have cancer. It has been a time of extreme loneliness and introspection. It has affected my self esteem.

Still, from the ashes rise the opportunity to make beautiful new friends. Who knows what the future holds! With God’s help I will try to be more considerate of others, to not talk so much and to listen to them and not voice my opinion so quickly. I also desire to be less selfish. There are quite likely other areas of my life that need work too. I used to joke about my desire to grow to be a nice old lady meant that I had to start practice now. Maybe that was not too far off the mark after all. Well I am going to have to do an awful lot of practicing so that I become a nice person for real. They say practice makes perfect. Some of us just need a whole lot more practice than others!
 

I am thankful that my husband has stood by me and the emotional traumas this past 12 months have brought in their wake. I also know that my children and my sister love me unconditionally.

The words of Psalm13 are an echo of the desolation I felt at times.

1 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

I never stopped believing & trusting in God. I did not ‘feel’ that He was/is there or listening to me, but then why should He? Who am I that He would pay special attention to me?

Still I have His promises to me that He loves me regardless of whether I deserve it or not. The next part of Psalm 13 is something I need to remember...especially the rejoicing and praising God no matter what!

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me. 


I pray that I will be able to praise God through these difficult times. It is easy to praise God when the sun is shining and life is without bumps and pits. Now that I am over the worst of the cancer for the time being, I just need to praise God more and be thankful for the people God has brought into my circle since the cancer. I hope that I can be someone that loves & cares for them in the same way that they have shown love and care for me.


Lord, make me a channel of your peace.
May I be able to praise your name once again, not just in my head but deep within my heart, no matter what the future holds.